Q: What's a lion running a copy machine called? A: A copycat!
Once upon a time, a lion, a tiger, and a bear were sitting on a hill. They were getting hungry. Below them, three men walked by, a Frenchman, an Italian and a Czech man. The lion said 'I haven't had French food in a while'. So, he ran off and ate the French man. The tiger said, 'I'm hungry for some Italian food'. So, he ran off and ate the Italian man. The bear looked at the sole remaining man, and said 'I guess it's my turn to spring for the Czech'!
There was a major concert being held at a large outdoor venue. Many hours before the gates opened, people had formed long lines to buy tickets. Near one of these lines, at a secluded back gate, a lion jumped out of the woods-- a really big lion! People started running in all directions to get away from the lion. All the people that is, except for one man. He just stood stock still in his place. To no one's surprise, the really big lion went up to him, and swallowed him in one bite. Then, like all lions that have had a big meal, it promptly laid down and went to sleep. Slowly, the people came out of the woods to look at the sleeping lion. One of the people that had observed what had happened said, 'Maybe he's still alive inside the lion. Is there a doctor around?' Sure enough, there was. The doctor very cautiously approached the lion, and placed his stephiscope on the lion's belly. Sure enough, the man was still alive. So, the doctor asked 'Sir, sir, are you OK?' The man replied back from inside the lion 'Yes, I'm OK. You can leave me alone. Can't you see I'm just waiting in lion?'
Once, a mother lion observed one of her cubs chasing a hunter in circles around a tree. The mother lion exclaimed, 'How many times do I have to tell you not to play with your dinner?'
Q: What job does a lion do at a newspaper? A: Run the lionotype machine!
One day, a man walked into a restaurant, with a lion. After being seated, he asked the waitress, 'Do you serve lawyers here?' 'Yes', the waitress replied. 'Ok, I'll take a ham sandwich for myself, and a lawyer for my lion'.
Have you heard that many second-rate companies are keeping lions on their plant property? They are doing this so they can label their products 'Built With Pride'
Did you know they are generating electricity with big cats? What, you've never seen a power lion before?
A student in a college philosophy course was having trouble making heads or tails out of a reading assignment the teacher had given him. So, he went to the professor after classes and asked for help. 'Would you mind if walked while we talked? I'd like to stroll down to the zoo.' the professor asked. 'Sure' said the student. He picked up the book and left with the professor. So, the two walked down to the zoo, having a deep discussion about the contents of the reading assignment. When they got to the lion enclosure, the professor asked, 'Can I see your book?' 'Sure' the student asked, and he handed the professor the book. The professor took the book, and tossed it into the lion enclosure, where it promptly landed between two of the great cats. 'So there', the professor said, 'If you want to get the most out of that text, you have to learn to read between the lions.'
One day, a man went to visit his friend's house. When he got there, he observed a small stuffed lion sitting on a table by itself. Upon inquiring of his friend, he learned that it was a lion phone. Sure enough, a few minutes later, the lion started to roar. The owner picked up a reciever hidden in the back of the lion. After listening for a few seconds, he handed the reciever to his friend. 'It's for you', he said. The man took the call, and dealt with the matter. But, another phone call would be required to conclude the matter. 'Can I make a call?' The man asked. 'Sure', said his friend. So, the man proceeded to try his call, only to get a busy signal. Kind of surprised, the man screwed up his face. Noticing the expression, his friend asked 'What's the problem?' 'The lion is busy' the man replied. So, he hung up the phone and waited a couple of minutes. When he tried the phone again, there wasn't even a dialtone. So, the man worked the hookswitch a few times, and again screwed up his face. 'What's the problem this time?' his friend asked. 'The lion is dead.'
Once, during a baseball game, a strange thing happened. Three lions suddenly appeared, and they promptly jumped over the third baseline wall and walked into the outfield. A man followed behind the lions, urging them on in their strange outing. Up in the press box, the radio announcer saw what was going on, and told his listening audience, 'Lion drive in left field.'
There was once a large zoo that had quite a number of lions. Unlike most zoos, the lions were assigned numbers instead of names. One morning, the zookeepers came in and found a dead lion. It turned out that it was lion number 5. Of course, no zoo likes to have it's animals die, so it made for a bad day for everyone there. Meanwhile, the zoo's telephone reapir guy dropped in for a visit. He was having an absolutely stellar day. 'Hello everyone, how's things??' he said, very happily to the office staff. 'Not very good', replied one of the workers, in a rather morose manner. 'What could be wrong on this beautiful day?' the telephone man asked. 'Lion 5 is dead' was the reply.
One day a number of Eastern European men managed to get themselves thoroughly drunk. They then decided a visit to the local zoo was in order. While staggering through the zoo, they came to the lion's enclosure. 'I'm really chummy with the lions' one of the men proclaimed. 'I'll show you just how chummy I am.', said the man as he crawled into the lion enclosure. In the enclosure, a big he-lion was just waking up from his nap. After all, it was just about feeding time. But what's this? Dinner crawling over the fence! So, the lion ate the man right then and there. Of course, this did not go unnoticed, and soon the media descended on the zoo in droves. Reporters wandered everywhere. News trucks and satellite trucks were fighting for space outside the gate. In general, mayhem reigned. So, the head zookeeper, after carefully ascertaining the true story, called a press conference. After quieting everyone down, he started to say, 'I have called this conference to set straight the facts in this remarkable incident. The first fact that I want to make clear is that the Czech is indeed in the male.'
Q: Why did the lions eat the preacher? A: because he told them that they must put away their pride!
One day, a lion happened upon another lion, who was busy eating a hunter. 'Where did you get that hunter?' the first lion asked. 'Well, I caught him. You see, the reasoning was simple enough. I could either be stuffed by the hunter now or later. So, I chose now.'
Q: Why are lions religious? A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
Did you hear about the man who turned into a lion every night, and back into a man in the morning? It was actually simple. The man would crawl into his bed each night, and while he was sleeping, he was 'a lion there'!
An actor was working on a scene that had lions in it. While working on the scene, the actor did something stupid, and the lions ate him. One of the bystanders observing the event remarked, 'That actor sure didn't know his lions'!
There was a zoo that was not having a good day. In the morning, the Head Bird Keeper found two dead finches in the Aviary. Things were worse in the Primate House; there were two dead chimpanzees. The Lion Keeper, wanting to be efficient, made his rounds and collected the dead animals. He then uncerimoniously threw them to the lions. One of the lions, on observing what was for lunch, said, Oh no! Not Finch and Chimps!
There was a farmer who kept a lion on his farm. However, the lion developed a curious problem. Birds would nest in it's mane! The farmer tried everything he could think of to make the birds leave. They refused to. (The lion couldn't even succeed in catching them himself!) One day, the farmer was working out in his yard, when he saw an old man walking down the road. Out of courtesy, he said 'hello' to the old man. 'Hello, how are you?' he replied back. 'Just fine', the farmer replied, 'Well, maybe not quite. Maybe the wisdom of your years can help me with a problem. I have a lion, and I have the problem of birds nesting in it's mane'. The old man thought about it for just a moment, and replied' 'That's a simple problem. Just take your lion out into your westernmost pasture and rub a cake of yeast into it's mane. The birds will leave and never return'. The farmer, out of courtesy, thanked the old man for his bit of odd advice, and went back to what he was doing. Over the course of the next two months, the farmer stepped up his efforts to rid his lion of the troublesome birds. He tried bird repellants. He contacted experts at the University Extension. He read books, he researched the internet. But, nothing worked. The birds were still nesting in the lion's mane. Finally, one day out of exasperation, he decided to try the old man's trick. So, he took his lion out to the westernmost pasture on his farm, and rubbed a cake of yeast into it's mane. Sure enough, the birds left and never returned. The farmer was happy that this crazy process worked, but never understod exactly why it worked. But, one day, the old man came walking down the road again. The farmer and the old man exchanged greetings. 'By the way, I tried what you suggested on my lion to get rid of the birds. it worked'. 'Works every time', said the old man. 'But, can you tell me why it works?' 'That's simple', replied the old man, 'You see, yeast is yeast and west is west, and never the mane shall tweet'.
A man was married to a woman who owned a lion. She was also an ardent Johnny Cash fan. Although she took care of the lion most of the time, sometimes the man needed to help. This lion was leash-trained, so part of the care routine was to occsionally take the lion out for a walk. Well, one day, the woman was busy with some activity, and it fell on the man to take the lion out for it's stroll. It was not a good time for the man to do this either. But, he loved his wife and went ahead and did it anyway. So, later on he had a chance to talk to his wife. She expressed gratitide for taking care of the lion in her absence. To this the man replied, 'Because your'e mine, I walk the lion'!
A missionary was wandering the African veldt when he encountered a lion. There was nowhere to run so the man fell to his knees and said, "Lord, please make this lion a Christian beast!" Surprisingly the lion also fell to a crouch and bowed his head. "Lord, for these blessings I am about to receive, let me be truly thankful." (Thanks, John Burkitt!)
A man and his pretty wife were strolling through the zoo when the male lion started following the woman's every move with his eyes. The husband said, "I think you have made a conquest. Wink at him." And she did, and at this the lion started stirring about restlessly. "Now blow him a kiss." She did, and the lion roared longingly at her and began lashing his tail. "That's enough," the husband said, hoisting her into the air and tossing her over the railing into the lion's enclosure. "Now tell HIM you have a headache!" (Thanks, John Burkitt!)
If a lioness is a female lion, is a dutchess a woman from Holland? (Thanks, John Burkitt!)
"Sure our scientists taught the lion to compose a newsletter, and sure he got the hang of mail-merging it with the address file, but we couldn't get him to back up his files, no matter what. Proof that when you take away his suit and his sports car, he's just a dumb animal ruled by instincts." (Thanks, John Burkitt!)
If the lion is the king of beasts, who is minister of finance? (Thanks, John Burkitt!)
Q: Where does a lion sleep? A: Anywhere he wants to! (Thanks, John Burkitt!)
Q: Why don't lions like fast food? A: Because they can't catch it! (Thanks, John Burkitt!)
Q: Which scientist discovered the planet Leo 9? A: Lioness Pawling. (Thanks, John Burkitt!)
Q: Why does a lion have a tail tuft on his tail? A: Where ELSE would he have a tail tuft? (Thanks, John Burkitt!)
A man went over to the house of a friend, who he knew had a lion. When he entered his friend's house, he was quite surprised to find his friend sitting on the back of a lion, at his computer. The web browser on the computer was open, and an auction page from EBAY was displayed. "Why are you sitting on your lion in front of a computer?" asked the man. His friend replied, "Haven't you ever heard of on-lion bidding?"
One day, a man went down to the bank to apply for a loan. When he was ushered into the loan officer's office, he was quite surprised to see a lion in the room with the loan officer. They got to talking about the loan. But, the man couldn't help wonder why the loan officer kept a lion in his office. So, he asked him, "Sir, why do you have a lion in your office?" The loan officer replied, "Haven't you ever seen a lion of credit before?"
A zoo inspector for the United States Department of Agriculture decided to take a safari to Africa. When he was finally in the bush, he elected to go on a walking safari. After his group was a ways out of camp, the inspector somehow got separated from the group. Suddenly, a lion sprang out of the bushes and pinned him to the ground. It was pretty clear that this lion was hungry, and was looking forward to a good meal. Just as the lion was preparing to bite the inspector's throat, the inspector realized that things here were out of protocol. So, he asked the lion "Mr. Lion, are you sure you can eat me? Has it been scientifically determined that humans are wholesome food for a lion?" This stopped the lion for a moment, who looked at the inspector with a very preplexed look. But, then, he opened his mouth and once again moved in for the kill. The inspecor had another flash of inspiration, and asked the lion, "Are you sure it's OK to eat me? Has you vetrinarian signed off on this change to your diet?" This once again stopped the lion and made him think. But unconvinced of anything, the lion once again prepared to silence his dinner. The inspector thought of one more thing to tell the lion, hoping that the lion would realize how out of order these events were. "Mr. Lion, you can't eat me. I'm not in an approved food receptacle." The lion looked at him again, preplexed. But only for a moment. CHOMP! No more strange noise from that meal!
A catholic priest was surprised one day to find a lion in his confessional. So, the priest asked the lion what sins he had committed. The lion simply answered "pride".
A commuter train ran between two large cities. Pretty much the same people rode the train every day. So, everyone would notice when there was a new passenger. So, one day, there was a new passenger, and the regulars paid a little extra attention to him to see who he might be. In any case, about halfway through the ride, the man suddenly opened up the window, and started throwing out little balls of wadded-up paper. Everyone watching thought this was rather odd. Someone finally got up the courage to ask the new rider why he was throwing paper wads out the window. "Sir, I can't help but noticing that you are throwing something out the window. Why are you doing this?" The man replied "It scares off the lions." Now, everyone heard this, and started looking out the window. There were no lions to be seen anywhere. Another rider then asked the man, "What lions? I don't see any lions." The new rider replied "Pretty effective, huh?" (Thanks Charlie Anderson!)
A large company was having a board meeting. The board meeting was being held in a room with a long table in it. The Chairman of the Board sat at one end of the table, and there were board members seated along both sides. But, at the other end of the table sat a lion. A new board member was attending the meeting for the first time. He saw the lion, so he asked the Chairman, "Sir, why is there a lion seated at the far end of the table?" The Chairman replied, " Mr. Murphy, you have been a businessman all these years, and you still don't know about the bottom lion?"
Q: How much does a lion trainer have to know? A: More than the lion!
Q: Why did the lion trainer buy new clothes for working with his lions? A: He wanted to take 'pride' in his appearence!
A man was walking a lion down the street when they were stopped by a police officer. The police officer said, "You should't be walking that lion down the street, You need to take him to the zoo." The man replies, "OK, I will.". The next day the same police officer sees the man out walking the lion again. The police officer said, "I thought I told you to take that lion to the zoo!" The man replies, "I did, and today I'm taking him to the movies!" (Thanks Raven Simons!)
A guy is walking along the street when he sees a crowd of people running towards him. He stops one of the runners and asks "What's happening?" "A lion has escaped from the zoo!" is the reply. "Oh my God! Which way is it heading?" says the guy. "Well you don't think we're chasing it do you?" (Thanks Raven Simons!)
Q. Why did the lion loose at poker? A. Because he was playing with a cheetah.(Thanks Raven Simons!)
A lion woke up one morning with the urge to assert his superiority over his fellow beasts. He strode over to a monkey, and roared "Who is the Mightiest of Animals?" "You are, Master," said the monkey, cowering. Then the lion approached a warthog. "Who is the Mightiest of Animals?" roared the lion. "You are, my Lord," said the warthog, quivering with fear. Next the lion met an elephant. "Who is the Mightiest of Animals?" roared the lion. The elephant grabbed the lion with his trunk, swung him in the air, slammed him ten times against a tree trunk, threw him into a dense patch of thorns, and strolled away. "Okay!" shouted the lion. "There's no need to turn nasty just because you don't know the answer!" (Thanks Raven Simons!)
One day an out of work mime was visiting and hoping to earn some money. The zookeeper explained that the zoo's most popular attraction, a gorilla had died suddenly. He offered the mime a job to dress up as the gorilla until they could get a new one. The mime accepted. The next morning the mime put on the gorilla suit and entered the cage. It was a great job. He could sleep all he wanted, play and make fun of people and he drew bigger crowds than he ever did as a mime. But, eventually the crowds tired of him and began to pay more attention to the lion in the cage next to his. In an effort to recapture their attention, he climbed to the top of his cage, crawled across a partition, and dangled from the top of the lion's cage. The lion was mad, but the crowd loved it so much that the zoo keeper came and gave the mime a raise. Each time the mime taunted the lion, he got bigger and bigger raises. But one day he slipped and fell into the lion?s cage. The mime ran, but the lion finally caught up with the mime and had him pinned to the ground. The mime was screaming and fighting for his life, yelling "Someone help me, PLEASE, help me!!!!" The lion leaned over and said, "Shut up you moron! Do you want to get us both fired??" (Thanks Raven Simons!)
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows readers digest and writers cramp. (Thanks Raven Simons!)
Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa. (Thanks Raven Simons! (Thanks Raven Simons!)
The animals were bored. Finally, the lion had an idea. "I know a really exciting game that the humans play called football. I've seen it on T.V. " He proceeded to describe it to the rest of the animals and they all got excited about it so they decided to play. They went out to the field and chose up teams and were ready to begin. The lion's team received. They were able to get two first downs and then had to punt. The mule punted and the rhino was back deep for the kick. He caught the ball, lowered his head and charged. First, he crushed a roadrunner, then two rabbits. He gored a wildebeast, knocked over two cows, and broke through to daylight, scoring six. Unfortunately, they lacked a placekicker, and the score remained 6 - 0. Late in the first half the lion's team scored a touchdown and the mule kicked the extra point. The lion's team led at halftime 7 - 6. In the locker room, the lion gave a peptalk. " Look you guys. We can win this game. We've got the lead and they only have one real threat. We've got to keep the ball away from the rhino, he's a killer. Mule, when you kick off be sure to keep it away from the rhino." The second half began. Just as the mule was about to kick off, the rhino's team changed formation and the ball went directly to the rhino. Once again, the rhino lowered his head and was off running. First, he stomped two gazelles. He skewered a zebra, and bulldozed an elephant out of the way. It looked like he was home free. Suddenly at the twenty yard line, he dropped over dead. There were no other animals in sight anywhere near him. The lion went over to see what had happened. Right next to the dead rhino he saw a small centipede. "Did you do this?" he asked the centipede. "Yeah, I did." the centipede replied. The lion retorted, "Where were you during the first half?" "I was putting on my shoes." (Thanks Raven Simons!)
Q: Why do lions always eat raw meat? A: Because they don't know how to cook. (Thanks Raven Simons!)Back to the King of Beasts page.